You Are Not What They Say: Finding Peace in a Judgmental World

“Never take anything personally.”
— Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
 

I’ve experienced a lot of behavior from others that I can’t seem to understand. As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements, “Never take anything personally.” Easier said than done.

“Hurt people hurt people.” Another catchy saying. And while I know there’s truth to it, it doesn’t soften the sting when I’m on the receiving end of cruelty.

This is glaringly obvious when I think about my divorce. My soon-to-be ex-husband feels very hurt—and in turn, does hurtful things. It’s horrible. And in those moments, it’s incredibly difficult to maintain any kind of objective perspective. But I try to remind myself: this is his pain—not the truth. Not my truth.

Whether someone tells me I’m a bad mother, a slut, dumb, or fat (all things people close to me have said—and not just in the heat of the moment), or when (mostly men) treat me like an object—there for their pleasure, there to serve them—how can I not feel like these things are somehow deserved? Like there isn’t some small grain of truth in them? Like it’s my fault?

There were times I internalized these messages so deeply that I couldn’t tell where their voices ended and mine began.

Intellectually, I know it’s not about me. But in my heart, I still struggle to separate their words and behaviors from who I know I am.

Finding Strength Through Meditation

In my journey to emotionally distance myself from these hurtful people, I’ve found meditation to be extremely helpful.

I was introduced to this practice through my experiences at the European Institute of Applied Buddhism in Waldbröl, Germany, where I attended retreats led by Thầy Pháp Ấn, a gentle and wise monk whose teachings have stayed with me. In his tradition, the lower abdomen is seen as a center of healing. If we can concentrate our energy there, we can heal anything.

Now, when I meditate, I visualize a soft, glowing source of light in that part of my body—the root of my creativity, my strength, and my love. I know this is where my true self lives. It helps me look within and remember that I am not what people say I am. I am strong, capable, beautiful, and intelligent.

Sometimes, I also visualize a shield around me—one that bounces judgments off and reflects them back to where they came from. It’s not about revenge. It’s about choosing not to carry pain that was never mine to begin with.

Returning to Myself Through Movement

There are other tools I reach for in my healing process, and one of the most grounding is my yoga practice. I seek refuge there—on the mat, with my breath and my body.

If I can move with my breath and flow with my body, I feel relief. It helps me return to the present moment and to my physical body, instead of getting lost in the story I’ve created in my mind. That separation between who I am and what I’ve been told I am starts to feel more possible again.

Yoga and meditation are not magic fixes. But they’re lifelines—ways I come home to myself.

Navigating a World Full of Meanness

We live in a world full of hate, violence, and meanness. I’m a deeply feeling person, and these things can make me want to curl up in bed and stay there indefinitely.

But I try to remind myself: there is also so much love, kindness, joy, and beauty.
That I am strong.
And if I can stay connected to this infinite source of self-love, I’ll be okay.

The Ongoing Work of Healing

Every day, I’m getting better at separating my own feelings from the feelings, words, and behaviors of others. It’s a slow process, and anything but linear.

We all have insecurities and self-doubt. But if we can approach each other—and the world—with curiosity instead of judgment, just imagine what the world could look like.

This is the world I want to live in. And what better place to start than with myself?

🖋️ Author Note

Thank you for reading. If you’ve ever struggled with the pain of judgment or are on your own healing journey, know that you’re not alone. I’d love to hear your thoughts or experiences—feel free to share in the comments or reach out. Let’s hold space for each other.