The Quiet Path to Self-Love

Coming out of a relationship where I was consistently told I wasn’t enough is an interesting place to be. No longer hearing this from another person, I somehow know in my mind—on a logical level—that this narrative isn't an ultimate truth. That I might be more than enough for some people, not quite enough for others, but that I am just right, exactly the way I am. However, knowing this and feeling it in my heart are completely different things.

Changing the internal narrative—trying to ignore that voice in my head, the same one that came from someone who claimed to love me—has been immensely challenging.

I can still hear that voice, criticizing, implying I’m not smart enough, not sexy enough, not strong enough or skinny enough, not passionate enough, etc. (I could go on, but we all get the point.) I was, or at least used to be, hyper-aware of every single thing I was doing that could be criticized. This is a horrible way to live. I was never happy. I felt rebellious for no reason and then guilty when I did something my own way. I questioned so many of my decisions. I judged myself so harshly—about basically everything.

I had little to no self-worth and self-love. This also impacted the (mostly romantic) relationships that followed. I was hyper-sensitive to other people’s opinions, criticisms, and judgments.

To be fair, I think, generally speaking, we should all refrain from judging others. No one ever truly knows what someone else is going through, what their relationships look like, or what their past experiences have been. But in reality, we judge each other—sometimes too harshly, sometimes vocally. And since I don’t, and can’t, control others and their behaviors, I have to do something for myself when this happens.

It’s so easy to go through life taking things personally, to be easily offended—and, especially when it comes from someone who claims to love you, to believe what they say.

I’ve always cared too much about what people think of me, and being in that past relationship only made it worse.

Then yoga and meditation happened.

No, just kidding—it wasn’t that easy. But that’s how it started.

On a meditation retreat several years ago, several months after I had ended this relationship, I had an epiphany: I realized how little self-love I had.

During a guided meditation, we were instructed to feel the love we had for ourselves—to embrace that love, let it grow, let it heal the parts of us that needed healing. I sat there, in a room full of strangers meditating all around me. I looked inside, and I literally felt an empty, black hole.

When I searched within to feel the love I had for myself, I was empty. There was nothing there.

This feeling was, weirdly enough, a surprise. I had lived the last few years of my life not even realizing how little I loved myself—totally ignorant to this deep sadness and sense of not being enough. I had internalized all those things I heard. I believed them. And I had started hating myself.

Then I hated myself even more for hating myself.

Cue horrible cycle of hatred.

But at least this realization was the first step to healing. I decided I needed to change—that I would never be truly happy if I didn’t love myself. Not that I expect to be joyful every moment of my life, but I want to be content in my own skin, with who I truly am—all of me.

I also realized I would never find someone to love me for who I am, all of me, if I didn’t love myself the most.

Silencing this negative self-talk hasn’t been easy.

Some days, I still hear those voices telling me how bad I am at “adulting,” how I’m failing at life. Other days, I hear those same voices, but I can distance myself from them. I know I don’t have to identify with those thoughts.

It still doesn’t feel great to have them, but the simple acknowledgment that maybe those opinions aren’t true—that’s a step in the right direction.

On better days, I follow those judgments with positive self-talk, with compassion and love for the person I am and for how hard life can be sometimes. On the best days, I don’t even have those negative thoughts. (These days are few and far between, but I am so grateful when they happen.)

No matter what you’re going through, life can be so hard. Things that seem easy one day can feel impossible the next—and that’s okay.

Meditating—this quieting of my mind—has allowed me to develop a self-love that keeps growing. It has created a certain space between myself and these negative thoughts. I’m able to better distance myself from these judgments.

It doesn’t even matter if the judgments are true. So what if I’m lazy some days, or if I teach a bad yoga class, drink too much wine or eat a bunch of crap? No one is perfect. We’re all just human, doing the best we can.

If any of my friends had the same thoughts I have about myself, I would hug them so close and tell them it’s not true.

And that is exactly what I need to learn to do for myself: breathe, tell myself I am beautiful and amazing and enough.

On the days when the thoughts are too much—if I can find the motivation—rolling out my yoga mat, moving my body, connecting to my breath always helps.

I might not feel 100% better afterward, but I did something small: I watered that little seed of love inside myself, instead of the seed of judgment and sadness. That’s all I can do. And over time, that seed will grow and blossom, and that voice from the past will fade.

It’s not an easy journey—but it’s worth it.

I have so many people who love me, and who I love deeply.

And slowly but surely, I’m also becoming one of the people I love the most.

So, if you also hear judgment from others—or from yourself—take a breath. Remind yourself that you are enough. That you are doing enough. Step onto your yoga mat. Write in your journal. Talk to a friend. Take a warm bath. Go for a walk in nature. Eat something nourishing. Do anything that looks like self-love. These things feel good to me, but maybe something else works better for you. And most of all, remember you are loved.