Losing Everything, Finding Myself

Life is a rollercoaster. We literally never know what is going to happen next. Sometimes it's what we hoped for, sometimes it's better, sometimes worse. But no matter what, it is always the unknown: the future doesn’t exist, nor does the past. The only reality we have is the present moment.

When I first came to Germany, I had no idea if I would stay or what my life would look like. Would I find a job? (Yes.) Would I find friends? (Yes! The best friends anyone could wish for!) Would I ever learn German? (Well... yes, kind of.)

I ended up staying. In fact, I'm still here. I found a job, learned German, got married, and we started having children. As expected, life changed drastically, and my relationship with my partner changed as well. After baby number two, we moved out of the city into the suburbs. Shortly after, COVID hit, and then I found out I was pregnant with baby number three.

Not long after that, I lost my job as a lawyer, my marriage, my dad, and my life as I knew it.

I used to call one of my best friends, absolutely hysterical, crying like a child, inconsolable. Lucky for me, she has this amazing ability to calm me down while also pointing out uncomfortable truths.

During one such phone call, she reminded me that it’s my life. I make the decisions. I can do what I want. If I don’t like something, I should change it. I needed to set (and enforce) more boundaries and take responsibility for my behavior (or lack thereof). At the time, this wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to hear, but I knew she was right. I had been stuck in the victim role—entirely self-imposed—for far too long.

Looking back, I have a great deal of compassion for that version of me. I understand how I felt like there were no other choices. Everything felt like it was crumbling around me, completely out of my control. And yes, it was. Because we can’t control these things. Ever. Even when life is going our way and things seem to be working out, it’s still not entirely under our control. The only things we can control are our reactions and the direction we try to take in our lives.

I kept calling this friend, kept listening to her advice, and slowly—very slowly—things changed. I changed. It happened in little ways, and not every day. I started taking better care of myself. I had to start from scratch with some things: What did I want in my life? Or even just in a day? What did I enjoy? What were my needs? I wasn’t sure how to answer these questions. I had spent so much time focusing on others (understandable, considering I had three very little children who needed my attention pretty much at all times).

I realized how much I needed yoga and movement in my life. When I move my body—whether it’s a run in the forest, a walk along the Main, a few yoga postures at home, or a Pilates class in the city—I feel better. I also started writing more in my journal, meditating when I could, and keeping in touch with my friends. We planned more girls' nights or coffee dates—anything to get out of the house and spend quality time together. Slowly, I started coming back to life.

I still had days where I was doing the bare minimum for my kids and even less for myself. Thank goodness for the kindness of friends (and strangers too). I don’t know where I would be today without the love I felt from the people around me, especially when I lacked so much love for myself.

With the perspective I have now, gained through time, patience, and self-love (which I didn’t have back then), I am so grateful for everything that happened. Without these challenges, I wouldn’t have grown and learned so much about myself, the people around me, and the world.

I am also very proud of myself. I never thought I’d say this, but I am. It used to bother me so deeply when people would tell me I was “strong,” as if I had a choice. I felt like I was failing at all aspects of life. I was miserable. But I made it. It wasn’t pretty, and I hated most of it. I still cry when I think of that version of me who was so lost and unhappy. I wish I could give her a hug and tell her I love her.

When I brought my daughter to bed last night, I told her that I want her to be happy. She asked me if I was happy too. I smiled and told her that I am so happy. I love my life and my family. I love her and her brothers. It’s not perfect, and I’m not happy every day, but I am content and very grateful.

I firmly believe that the universe works in ways to give you what you need (not what you want) and that you will receive everything that is meant for you. Every person who has entered my life, whether for a short time or long, has taught me something about myself. I just need to keep my eyes and heart open, and every day, my life gets that much better.

If you’re having a hard time now, I feel you. I know how hard it is. And I won’t tell you that it will get better. But what I do know for sure is that it will change. Impermanence is the only certainty in our world. Keep being true to yourself, be authentic, and love as much as you can.

And if things feel overwhelming, take a breath. Sometimes that’s all you can do—and sometimes, that’s enough.